The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food The other dishes are mine and contain my food Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not mean it becomes your food and dish nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest gt  - in animal

A teacher asked her class quot What do you want out of life quot n nA little girl in the back raised her hand and said quot All I want out of life nis four animals quot n nThe teacher asked quot Really And what four animals would that be quot n nThe little girl said quot A mink on my back a jaguar in my garage a tiger in nmy bed and a jackass to pay for it all quot gt  - in animal

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road nJERRY FALWELL nBecause the chicken was gay Isn t it obvious Can t you people see the plain truth in front of your face The chicken was going to the quot other side quot That s what quot they quot call it the quot other side quot Yes my friends that chicken is gay And if you eat that chicken you will become gay too I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like quot the other side quot That chicken should not be free to cross the road It s as plain and simple as that n - in animal

Did the chicken cross the road nDid he cross it with a toad nYes nThe chicken crossed the road nBut why it crossed nI ve not been told  - in animal

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground He doesn t seem to be breathing his eyes are rolled back in his head The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services He gasps to the operator My friend is dead What can I do n nThe operator in a calm soothing voice says Just take it easy I can help First let s make sure he s dead There is a silence then a shot is heard n nThe guy s voice comes back on the line He says OK now what  - in animal

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground He doesn t seem to be breathing his eyes are rolled back in his head The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services He gasps to the operator My friend is dead What can I do n nThe operator in a calm soothing voice says Just take it easy I can help First let s make sure he s dead There is a silence then a shot is heard n nThe guy s voice comes back on the line He says OK now what  - in animal

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven! Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven! Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got? Paddy: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven! Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven? Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now! - in animal

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven! Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven! Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got? Paddy: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven! Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven? Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now! - in animal

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven! Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven! Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got? Paddy: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven! Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven? Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now! - in animal

10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.  - in animal

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea? A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels. - in animal

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.  - in animal

1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle. - in animal

16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things. - in animal

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede? A: A walkie-talkie, of course. - in animal

The amazing flying dog A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him." With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop. "There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket. "He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband. "Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!" The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"  - in animal

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet. - in animal

Baby bear wants to live somewhere else The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly." "OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?" "No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does." The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago." "You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge. "Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."  - in animal

Q: Why is a tree like a dog? A: Because they both lose their bark when they die. - in animal

Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach? A: To get to the other tide. - in animal