A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding n nOfficer May i see your licence n nLady what does it look like n nOfficer its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it n nThe lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer n nThe officer opens it up and says if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn t have pulled you over  - in aviation

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in n n Mother where do babies come from n nThe mother thinks for a few seconds and says Well dear Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married One night they go into their bedroom they kiss and hug and have sex n nThe daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy s vagina That s how you get a baby honey The child seems to comprehend n n Oh I see but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy s penis in your mouth What do you get when you do that n n Jewelry my dear Jewelry  - in aviation

Those raccoons are not luggage n nAs migration approached two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south so they decided to go by airplane n nWhen they checked their baggage the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons quot Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage quot she asked n n quot No thanks quot replied the vultures quot They re carrion quot  - in aviation

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening  - in aviation

I deserve a first class seat A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."  - in aviation

2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts. - in aviation

The Christmas airport It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." "That's not why it's there." "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye." - in aviation

4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.  - in aviation

All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.  - in aviation

Airplane maintenance "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P) = Problem (S) = Solution - in aviation

Yugoslavia JAT = Joke About Time - in aviation

If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.  - in aviation

Scary organization The most dangerous organization in America today is: a) The KKK b) The American Nazi Party c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club  - in aviation

14. Drinks are on me… - in aviation

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground - in aviation

There's a parrot on the plane On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you". The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"  - in aviation

There are lawyers on the flight An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."  - in aviation

(P) Aircraft handles funny (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious - in aviation

Dream flying planes Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars." The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement. The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars. So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could. Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the air port. "I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?" "Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."  - in aviation

An emergency landing According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately. A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.  - in aviation