The mouse replied It s great but can I get a pair of roller skates God said Sure and he gave him a pair of roller skates  - in business

Why did he fire you nTwo neighbors were talking about work when one asked quot Say why did the foreman fire you quot n nReplied the second quot Well you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work My foreman got jealous People started thinking I was the foreman quot  - in business

If u want 2b happy 4 a short time- GET DRUNK nIf u want 2b happy 4 a long time- FALL IN LOVE nBut if u want 2b happy 4evr nDON T EVEN THINK of these 2 n - in business

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A . Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?" The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business." - in business

Main Vice President Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!". "Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?" The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"  - in business

Business one-liners 90 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself. Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all. Nothing puzzles me more than time and space; and yet nothing troubles me less. Of all forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most cruel. Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur. Office Of Precision Guesswork Old age and treachery shall overcome youth and skill.  - in business

Business one-liners 76 Indecision is the key to flexibility. Indifference is the only sure defense. Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know. Information's pretty thin stuff, unless mixed with experience. Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out. Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today. Interchangeable parts won't. Is there life before coffee? It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either if you speak when your head is empty.  - in business

Daughter in college Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education? As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"  - in business

Business one-liners 61 I knocked several times, but you weren't in. - Opportunity I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one. I think we should really add to the confusion... Let's call in (Insert Your Favorite Group - Engineering/Financial...) I think...therefore I am confused. I will get it done when I get it done! I would give $1000 to be a millionaire. I've got to stop getting fired like this. People will start to think I'm a drifter. - Lee Iacocca If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up. If a man advances confidently in the direction of his dreams to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. - Henry David Thoreau If a program is useful it will be changed, if it is useless, it will be documented.  - in business

Business one-liners 113 Goebel's Second Law Of Useless Difficulty: The fastest way to get something done is to determine that it isn't worth doing. Goebel's Law Of Computer Support: Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone is like having sex through a hole in a board fence. It can be done, but it is neither easy nor pleasant. Goebel's Law Of Software Compatibility: A statement of absolute functional equivalence made in bold print followed by several pages of qualifications in fine. Goebel's Theorem Of Software Schedules: Always multiply a software schedule by pi. This is because you think you're going in a straight line but always end up going full circle. Goebel's Law Of Product Introductions: A future product release date does not say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you don't have a chance of seeing it before that time. Goebel's Observation On Utopia: If everyone believed in Peace, they would immediately begin fighting over the best way to achieve it. Goebel's Law Of Intellectual Obscurity: What fun is it to be an expert if you make yourself easy to understand?  - in business

Business one-liners 11 Any change looks terrible at first. Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of the most harm. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Any good strategy will seem ridiculous by the time it is implemented. - Dogbert, in Scott Adams' "Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies: Dogbert's Big Book of Business" Any horizontal surface is soon piled up. Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion. Any issue worth debating is worth avoiding altogether. Any landing you can walk away from is a good one. Any line, however short, is still too long.  - in business

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. - in business

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow. - in business

Newest ATM machines "The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man." - Jay Leno  - in business

Business one-liners 114 Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly Goldenstern's Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney. 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. Golden Rule Of Arts And Sciences: Whoever has the gold makes the rules. Gordian Maxim: If a string has one end, it has another. Gordon's First Law: If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well. Gordon's Object Lifespan Theorem: No matter the amount of care given the purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three days of warranty expiration. Gordon's Warranty Law: All warranty clauses expires upon bill payment.  - in business

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers, and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head. - in business

Business one-liners 81 Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you. Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle. Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it anymore. Just when you think you've won the rat race, along come faster rats. Knowledge based on external evidence is unreliable. Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. Leakproof seals will. Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.  - in business

Bank customer service "I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."  - in business

Business one-liners 103 Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection. Wisdom is what's left after we've run out of personal opinions. Without data, yours is just another opinion. Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy. Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence. Work is the curse of the drinking class. Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the water that keeps it green. You can always find what you're not looking for. You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time. You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes. You won't skid if you stay in a rut.  - in business

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up. - in business