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I haven't had a group of close friends in over 6 years. I guess I've never known what it's like to have real friends. When I had "friends" in high school, they were bad people. I chose them because I knew they were inferior to me and I didn't feel threatened. Then I would be annoyed because I frequently hung out with unintelligent rejects and made a bad reputation for myself. Now, at 26, I lack the social skills to behave like a normal adult. I look at my classmates and want so badly to talk to them, but can't. I am afraid they won't like me.
I've never been able to go more than a few minutes without thinking thought like "I'm ugly" or "I have shitty clothes and hair" or "I'm sub-human." I have such a low self esteem. This can't be normal. But I play it so cool, like I want to be a loner. I'm scared of group projects in school, because no one will pick me. I'm scared of eating in the cafeteria because someone might see me at a table all alone. I'm scared someone might find out I need braces- really bad- so I dont smile much.
I hate girls with nice hair and clothes. I could kick their asses so easily. I hate everyone at my college, I wish campus would burst into flames.
I stopped calling Kate because she annoyed me, and now I'm lonely. I have basically done that to every girl friend I have tried to get to know, because they annoy me somehow. I think my boyfriend is annoying, too, and I'm pretty sure he is borderline retarded. I frequently wonder if I should call it quits before the wedding. I am afraid our children might turn out stupid because of him. I'm afraid of introducing him to anyone because he is so dumb. I'm afraid of not being able to relate to my own husband. I'm afraid I could do better. I'm afraid to leave him, I love him so much and his heart is so big.
I have had dreams of sexual intercourse with my brothers. It grossed me out so much, I never told anyone.
I hate my mother, and I'm glad I beat her up that day. She deserved it. I still feel good when I think of it. And I'm the one that called Social Services on her.
When I was watching my nephew when he was an infant, I held him too close to people smoking pot and he cried all night- I'm afraid I got him high and it haunts me. I'm sorry, Michelle.
I hate my dad's mullett.
I've only kept up a realtionship with my dad that side of my family becuase I've felt obligated to, and I know they feel the same way. it's all one big farce. the holidays, the birthday cards. we should just admit it- I don't know you, you don't know me. We don't care about each other, so fuck it.
I can't stop self-mutilating my face. I pick at it all the time and I can't stop. I have horrible scars all over and I have to wear gobs of makeup. I honestly believe I am a worthless freak.
My sister was a model once, and I was glad to see her fat and pregant last year.
